Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Trip of Resolutions- (The girl who was scared to drive)

It has taken me awhile to write about this, mainly because finding the right words has been difficult.

To put it simply, this trip back to Michigan was a pivotal part of my life. I had things I needed to accomplish. Goals that needed to be fulfilled.

This was my journey towards resolution.




Hello Michigan


I feel like in general I'm a  strong person, emotionally.  


I'm definitely not weak.


I suppose everyone has something they wish they could overcome or be more courageous about, whether it's public speaking, heights, confined spaces, or even bugs.


The thing I’m afraid of just happens to be something that most people use daily.

[I am scared terrified to drive.]

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                      Apparently, Birds also like Starbucks. (I don’t blame them.)

I'm unsure of what others see. I know most don't understand my fear, and I never really needed them to, because it was mine. I have my reasons.

I also never felt the need to explain it to anyone, or apologize for it. I was very content with never getting my driver’s license.


When it came to seeing friends, my thought process was; if they couldn't try and understand, or didn't want to work around my not driving, then we probably didn't need to hang out.

(I also didn’t want to inconvenience anyone by making them drive constantly.)

So, at that point, I would most likely push them away.

Not because I wanted to, or because I didn't value their friendship, but because my fear became more powerful.


I was fluent in excuses. I spent years being an avoider.


There is always that little voice inside my head, telling me to runaway. If you’re uncomfortable, just leave. You don’t need to do whatever it is…

But this time it was different, I did need to do it. I knew I did.


Not just to be able to drive, but to be able to prove it to myself that I could overcome this.


I wanted to heal. Close the I'm-not-strong-enough-to-do-it door, lock it, board it up, and throw away the key.


You are able.

You deserve to be free of fear where it doesn't belong.


Full of love not hesitation.


We were staying with my parents. Back in my home town.

Where we live in Arizona, is a busy area. Michigan roads are less chaotic, and much more familiar to me.

I knew if there was any place that I would feel safe driving, it would be here.


So after a few days, I called and scheduled my drivers test.

And although it made me feel like I was 15 again, I started practicing driving with parents. After some small freak-outs, I started to feel okay.

Somewhere deep down, I knew I could do it.

If I didn’t pass, it would be because of some technicality. I took Driver’s Ed 10 years ago, and there was no way I could remember it all.

I told my dad how bad I would feel if I didn’t pass, and wasted the $50.00 it costs to take it.

He simply replied, “You’ve spent that on worse things.”

True. Very true.

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What if I try to swim, and don't make it?

What if I try, and I sink?

Then I realized before I had even stepped into the water, I was already drowning in my what ifs.


I just had to try.


I kept telling myself, you can’t be a badass unless you drive.

All awesome people drive.

You are Beth Chapman (Dog the Bounty Hunter).

You can do this.


My fingers held the wheel tight.

I didn’t check, but I imagined the color was starting to drain out of my hands, I couldn't hold the steering wheel tight enough.

I tried to breathe, but my chest was tight, my mind was focused to the point I couldn't focus anymore.

My thoughts were racing, trying to recall each and every detail.

Praying for help. Help with whatever it is that would help me pass this test.

Wishing to feel it in my heart, that I am able to do this.


My mind went back to St. Mary’s hospital, and I’m standing at my grandma’s bedside.

One of the very last things my Namma, said to me was,

“Why don’t you drive, honey?… You should drive.”

My eyes just stared at her. Searching for an answer. But no words made sense.

I just replied, “I know. I will.”


I passed. First try.


I guess it’s all part of growing up, making progress where and when it’s needed.

Unknowingly, with time, parts of us that were once missing become filled. Sometimes it’s with love, happiness or even responsibilities.

We forget about what was once our biggest obstacle. What once held us back. And we focus on the present, the needs of today.

Because once you cross that intersection of accomplishment, you don't look back, not for anything.


{Namma, this was for both of us. I love and miss you every single day, and I wish I could have called you and told you the good news.

I know you and Nampa are cheering for me, all the way from Heaven.}


Michigan Summer






Spending time with Uncle Shane.


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                                                      [Does anyone know what type of moth this is? It looks like something out of The Chronicles of Narnia.]



{PART TWO} - Meeting Kelle Hampton- (Bloom Book Signing/ Band Of Angels Fundraiser) will be coming up next.

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